I want to be
Tuesday, October 30th, 2007 I’ve been through a really bad break-up, my friends know that. My last real relationship was an on and off kind of thing. We broke up,got back together, broke up again and got back together. Hell, to sum it up, just repeat the breaking up and getting back together for about five times. Tough love and I have to admit, it was a really hurtful time. But at some point, we finally both came to our senses and acknowledged the fact that we weren’t cut for each other. It was hard for me to move on but I did. People helped me out. He helped me out.
At some point I could say that he was all I needed to get through that rough time. He filled me with smiles and laughter. It made me forget about the pain. During that period, it made me so certain that i really really wanted this. This was all i needed to be okay. But now, I realized you can’t want something too badly. Because it changes who you are. I’ve changed. I did things I normally wouldn’t do and i said things that I normally wouldn’t say. I did all these because i thought I wanted something and I should do every means to get it. At the end, I know that I didn’t want just something, I wanted myself. I wanted to figure out who I was again, who I was as a person, standing independently.
And so I found myself hurting someone else. I swore to never be that person, but everybody does commit mistakes.
Right now, I think I could finally say that I know what I want. I underestimated the damage done to me which lead me to not be the best person i could be. I am sorry and I know that this will all come back to me. I have just let go of the best thing that could have possibly happened to me. But I believe that this is what it takes for me to be that person I want to be.
You’re a good man. We’ll always be friends.
I don’t know if this all sounds selfish and overly dramatic. But please do cut me some slack, I’m just figuring things out. I thought i knew stuff, i thought things were simple but I guess I thought wrong.
Peace.
Lein
